Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Monday, April 22, 2013

10 Pickup Lines that Will Get you Laid

How to approach women and get noticed

It’s so important to meet women as often as you can. Some people wait for the opportunities to fall into their laps, and even then they are too shy to act on it. How many times have you been in line at a grocery store, doing your laundry or reading at the library when a very interesting girl catches your eye? And what happens when that woman, who is naturally drawn to you asks you a question? Most guys freeze up because they are completely unprepared, or they get freaked out because it’s been too long, or because of some other excuse.


Don’t miss out on another opportunity to talk to a girl.Dating is somewhat of a numbers game. The more you try, the better your chances at finding the right one. That’s where these pickup lines come in handy. Now please, don’t view these as your typical one liners. These are more like conversation starters. The idea is to get the girl to respond positively and hopefully stick around long enough to give you her BBM pin or add you to her contacts.


get laid guarenteed with these awesome pick up lines

1. “Hi there! I have to tell you, that is a beautiful bracelet. I’d love to get one like it for my date tomorrow night.” Once she tells you where she got it, ask her to be your date. She’ll be flattered that you appreciate her great taste and it’s a bonus that you’re also interested in her.


2. “Who is your dentist? You have the most beautiful smile.” This is a great compliment to show her you appreciate a woman who takes care of her teeth and also that you like her smile. Listen to her answer and keep eye contact to keep the conversation going.
3. “Can I use your pen? I’d really like to get your number.” If suddenly her pen stops working, improvise! Save her number in your cell phone or memorize it if you have to. You can write it down later when you get the chance.


4. “Hi, nice to see you! You’re so pretty – you look like my next girlfriend.” If she has a sense of humour, she’ll get a kick out of this one. Keep going with a compliment. Tell her what attracted you to go over and speak to her. Girls respond to honesty and humour.


5. “Do you think I can get your number, when you have a minute?” This lets her know that you don’t want to intrude on her time. She’s probably busy, but let her know that you’ll wait for her if you have to. Tell her that you couldn’t let this great opportunity pass.
pick up lines call me

6. “I’ve never seen anyone like you before. Where do you come from?” This one works really well on women who are exotic looking. Tell her how different she looks and how refreshing it is to see her. She will love hearing that you notice her and appreciate that she is unique.


7. “I see you like milk. I know an Italian place that makes the best Alfredo sauce that I would love to take you to – When are you free?” This one’s a bit long, so make sure that you pause to get her reactions before you rattle the whole thing off. She will be impressed that you want to set a date sometime soon and will already start considering your offer.


got milk

8. “I can’t believe I didn’t see you until now. Let me make it up to you over coffee later today?” This line is perfect if you see a girl who looks busy and is about to disappear from your life. She will be intrigued by what you have to say, so make sure that you tell her why you two had to meet.


9. “You have the most incredible hair. What do you say to showing it off while dancing with me tonight?” She’ll be happy about the compliment, but make sure that you keep the conversation going. Ask her about her favourite music and clubs in the area, and then bring focus back to your date.


10. “Sweetheart, do you think you could take a chance on me? I feel so lucky to have met you.” This one works great for the girl that believe in chance and destiny. If she smiles or gives you any type of encouragement, remember to follow up with an offer to spend time together, like going for a walk, going to an art gallery, catching the local pee-wee baseball game, or any other fun activity you had in mind.


Stick to these lines and feel free to improvise and have fun! Just make sure that you don’t wait too long to get around to asking her out. She will see that you’re not very serious if you don’t propose a date. Become a date magnet and don’t let any girl slip through your fingers again.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

PORN SAVES THE DAY! BEYONCÉ SUPERBOWL FAN FAIL

SUPERSTAR BEYONCE USES LOOK-A-LIKE DRAG QUEEN TO PERFORM HER SHOWS?

At this year’s super bowl we had the honor of having Beyoncé (or so we thought) as the superstar guest of the biggest game of the year. Unfortunately, it has been rumored that Beyoncé became sick a few hours before the show and decided to use her drag queen stunt double to perform the show in her place. We really hope so!  As they say the show must go on. 

With a contract weighing in at millions of dollars and a new album on the way Beyoncé did not want to miss her chance at this glorious exposure. Unfortunately, the big screens captured unflattering and well let’s face it, simply ugly shots of the R&B goddess. Thousands upon thousands of pictures where captured and people on the social Medias have been having a hoot exploiting these insulting and images of the famous Beyoncé.

On social platforms such as reddit, imgur, facebook you can see Beyoncé as Hulk, a weight lifter, Dr Zoidberg, a wrestling queen, a transformer, a warrior, whatever you can imagine, someone has probably thought of it.

Undeniably, Beyoncé is one of the most beautiful women to walk the planet. Maybe this is the reason for so much slander. She is such a beautiful accomplished woman who is just as normal as all of us after all. Wow, Beyoncé is a human who also has her bad moments, who would have thought?  Doesn’t that make everyone feel better? We love Beyoncé and even if her publicist does his best to stalk the internet and ask that every single picture of her be taken down he is just adding gas to the fire. Plus, you can’t win against the internet. All that’s left is to let it go, anyways, what a great free promo! People of the world are uniting to make the funniest montages of Beyoncé and well laughter is the best medicine right? I don’t think that anyone will think less of her because of these unfitting pictures. We love her for her music and personality not her weightlifting and window washing skills. 



Friday, December 21, 2012

How to avoid akward Christmas family questions about your girlfriend and still get laid


HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY CHRISTMAS GIRLFRIEND

Are you one of the lucky guys who can strut into Christmas party with your girlfriend? Not everyone has that kind of luck during the holidays. Some of us will spend Christmas and New Year’s sad and alone. I’ve thought of just borrowing a friend to pretend she was my girlfriend so my family would get off my back with their stupid questions: “Have you found someone? Are you still alone? When are you gonna give us grand children?” Leave me alone!

DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YET?

That fateful moment when you realize that this is the question that will be on everyone’s lips at Christmas.
You’ve had some girlfriends but for some god forsaken reason they’re never around for the holidays. Or maybe you don’t want to bring your fuck friend home to meet your parents.
Imagine this scenario, “Hi nice to meet you! Are you his new girlfriend?” “Umm no…we’re only into casual sex” That would be enough to give your grandmother a heart attack! So you are stuck in and endless loop of girlfriend related questions: “Why haven’t you found one yet? What are you waiting for? Maybe you need to change? What’s wrong with you?”

THE SOLUTION TO THE GIRLFRIEND PROBLEM

None of your friends want to play temporary girlfriend? Who cares? ? All you need are a few Photoshop skills and you’re on your way to a Merry Christmas. No need to answer questions, no expensive gifts to buy – nothing can beat my solution to all your girlfriend problems.
We all know we would rather fuck whomever we want rather than live through the monotony of monogamy. Forget finding a girlfriend to make your family happy and keep your bed full of sluts.



YES I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND BUT SHE IS OUT OF TOWN WITH HER FAMILY

Yes, you will have to lie. No going around it. So put your poker face on and practice your speech in the mirror. "Yeah I have a girlfriend, we met online a few weeks ago. She is amazing. I see her bearing my children. We met a few times and it was electric, unfortunately she had to leave town to spend Christmas with her family. I’m sad but I’m comforted by the fact that I’m not alone anymore."
That should get them off your back for the holidays. Now grab a computer, download the pictures I‘ve prepared for you, add your face, print them out stick them in your wallet and voila.
I’ve created a Family friendly picture set and of course an “I want to impress my friends” picture set. I’ve created these for you because I know how crappy it is to have to spend Christmas alone with everyone reminding you of how crap-tacular your life is.


It's time you take the matter into your own hands and show everyone that you can and are a great catch. No one will question you after seeing you with a cute blond. All you have to do is flash your pics in their face and keep complaining that you miss her and that you can't wait to see her again. Spend the holidays in a great way without all the family fuss and of course your friends will be excited to see your newest conquest.

Cheers to all of you. May you set forth and spread your seed during this season of ugly aunt kisses, boring family reunions, horrible Xmas music and old Uncle Bob’s dirty jokes. Merry Christmas, have fun and don’t forget to show off your new Christmas girlfriend!

Monday, December 10, 2012

CHRISTMAS PORN


funny christmas porn
Christmas is around the corner and who says Christmas says Christmas porn. Oh yeah, girls with antlers and guys with elf shoes really turn me on! Haven’t you ever had any Christmas fantasies? Haven’t you ever seen yourself fucking Mrs. Clause from behind? Don’t you want to jingle your bells on her oh so jolly ass? Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me, I won’t tell Santa and you'll still get your Christmas present under your naughty tree!


I LOVE CHRISTMAS

I really love Christmas with a passion. I love the continuous smell of gingerbread cookies, the white lights in every tree and the awesome ambiance that floats around everywhere I go. Everyone is in a good mood and the porn is fantastic. The little red hats on dicks and heads and jingle bells everywhere you go! I usually search for mistletoes everywhere hoping to steal a kiss from the person under it. Imagine stranger’s faces in stores when I grab them and plant a huge wet kiss on their lips. I really wish I could kiss more than their lips sometimes but that might get their wife jealous and since its Christmas I don’t want to kill the mood. It’s too bad because they could probably learn a little from my kissing skills.

NAUGHTY CHRISTMAS PARTY

Every year I keep hoping someone will invite me to one of their parties. I’m not talking about those boring family gatherings; I’m talking about the naughty, drink till you fuck Christmas party. Kind of like the one you end up having at work where the eggnog filled secretary will blow the boss in his office while his wife is in the storage room getting banged by the cute delivery boy. You know the ones where everyone comes back to work a few days later with their heads between their legs hoping everyone else forgot what happened at the party. I desperately want to be invited this year. I really need a good office bang. Fun times!



SEXY SANTA

funny christmas porn There is something really exciting about Santa Claus. Oh yeah, I’ll sit on Santa’s knees anytime he wants me to and he can jingle my bells all he wants. Ok, we all know it’s not about the presents or the reindeer. Maybe it’s the fact that he wears that beard so well. Or maybe it’s just imagining what he could do with my juicy tight pussy when he wiggles his cute little red nose. If he can go around the world in one night than he can definitely do a number on me in 24 hours. Fuck the presents, anyways I’ve been a real bad girl and I’m probably on the naughty list. I bet Santa is a naughty boy just like all the others. He’s a man, he has needs too and I bet Mrs. Claus won’t do the half of what I could do. Maybe Santa should see other people, including me.

To all you naughty people on Christmas I want to wish you all happy holidays and don’t forget to tape your hot office amateur Christmas porn because here’s a girl just aching to be a part of it! Merry Christmas to all and to all a good fuck!

Friday, November 30, 2012

Sexy Chatroulette Pranks


I never thought I would laugh so much while listening to a video about Chatroulette! These sexy Chatroulette pranks I found on this awesome blog (not even mine!) totally took me by surprise!
Sexy funny chatroulette prank found on slutroulette blog
I hadn't been to Chatroulette since I've been banned and this really made me want to go back and hope it happened to me! The best part of it all is the look and smile on the peoples faces! Totally worth it. After watching the video I suddenly realized that there were more like these done by the same guy named Steve Kardynal, you can visit his youtube channel and prepare to laugh your ass off!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

You don’t even have to say please…





You don’t even have to say please…



via Tumblr http://realkellylove.tumblr.com/post/35667222646

I'm a sucker for Skittles...Must taste the rainb'l'ow

drunk girl gives strange blow job
Taste the rainbow
Best rainb'l'ow job ever! This is definitely the kind of rainb'l'ow every skittles fan wants ;) Taste the rainbow!
I never met a guy that would squirt rainbows, maybe someday I'll be lucky enough to meet such a colorful man? ! Or maybe its the girls specialty ? Maybe she makes every guy cum in rainbows? Or maybe he  found her on slutroulette, offered her a night out and she thanked him with an awesome blow job, excuse me I meant rainb'l'ow job!
I almost forgot about my second favorite sweet candy, don't want anyone to be jealous !! Melts in your hot wet mouth not in your hands!

candy blow job
Naughty Candy

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Saturday, October 20, 2012

You park like a cunt






Got some nice stickers done and decided to spread the joy… want one?
I bet everyone on this planet could use at least once a day?



via Tumblr http://realkellylove.tumblr.com/post/33990286669